Potter fan hopes Rowling will say "J.K." to gay

In a random and odd revelation at Carnegie Hall last Friday, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling announced to the world that that sexy piece of man-meat known as Albus Dumbledore enjoyed doing his magic while listening to La Cage Aux Folles and sipping his cosmopolitan. 
 
Yes, what we never thought about is confirmed to be true: Dumbledore likes to cast his spells with a limp wrist. 
 
Dumbledore couldn't be reached for comment to confirm or deny his outing by his creator but sources say Dumbledore has been seen frequenting the local leather bars in and around London. 
 
Fellow Potter stars reacted with fear following the author's closet-bursting remarks. "What if she suddenly gets sympathetic toward hermaphrodites and gives me a taco to go along with my hot dog?" asked a visibly shaken Ron Weasly. "I like being a man!" 
 
This is just the latest in a string of shocking announcements about some of our most beloved characters. Just last month, the creators of Cabbage Patch Kids announced that they were going to start mandatory abortions of every third Cabbage Kid born in an effort to reduce their carbon footprint. 
 
"Everyone knows that deforestation caused by agriculture has been a major contributor to global warming. By killing every third Cabbage Kid we hope to reduce the effect our ugly little dolls have on the environment," said a Jakks Pacific spokesperson. 
 
Cabbage Patch Kid Annaleigh Sunshine responded "I don't think it's right for people to use children's toys to try and get their political point of view noticed. 
 
"Millions of Cabbage Patch Kids now fill the stockrooms of SouperSalad restaurants across the nation because of this global warming scare." 
 
In reaction to Rowling's announcement, gays across the nation held a candlelight vigil in protest. 
 
"Have you seen the robes he wears? Midnight blue with yellow stars went out with Liberace," scoffed an Armani-Exchange-clad gay at the vigil in San Francisco. "We need queer role models with style." 
 
Rowling said she plans to hold a march on Washington with thousands of other literary or toy characters she intends to make either bi, gay, transgendered or some other social crusade. 
 
Care Bears across the nation reacted with outrage when they were informed that Rowling had deemed them polygamist, communal hippies. "We don't want to smoke weed all day and wear home-made clothes," choked a tearful blue Care Bear with a Rainbow on its chest. "We just want to be left alone." 
 
A local gay man who did not want to be identified said he had mixed reactions about Rowling's sudden crusade for homosexuals. 
 
Although he was amused that Dumbledore turned out to be gay, he did not see what great purpose or good this would really serve. "I just don't think throwing a curveball to parents and kids like that is the best way to get one's message across." 
 
A beret-and-tie-dye, camo clad GI Joe echoed this sentiment. "Making some one gay after the fact will not change anyone's opinion about gay people. People's opinions change when they meet people in real life. 
 
"Dumbledore being gay seems more like a publicity stunt than anything else." 
 
The long-term effects, if any, on the Potter franchise will not be seen anytime soon, obviously. 
 
This Potter fan simply hopes that poor little Dobby will be left out of any future soap box exploits by Rowling, who I can only wish will say "J.K." about this Potter stunt.